Unknown Obsession
by CGreyson
Summary: Zuko's obsession with the avatar might be more meaningful than he thinks. After all, knowing his honor can no longer be restored, why is he still obsessed with the air-bender? (Set after Zuko and Iroh are permanently banished from the Fire Nation and are traveling in the Earth Kingdom.)


**Disclaimer:** I don't own Avatar: The Last Airbender.

 **Unknown Obsession**

I don't quite remember when my obsession began….no, that's a lie. I do remember, I just don't know how it transmuted from loathing to passion. I blink, feeling the familiarity of the dense weight in my chest a comfort, a burden.

' _It might be time to consider you may like him.'_ whispered a voice in my mind. The density in my chest was crushing all my insides, stealing my breath, making my heat flare up. I was afraid what that meant but I couldn't stop thinking of my obsession. The worst part was, that at this point would I even be able to change my path, would I be able to even tell my obsession just how much I was beginning to regret my past actions. How much I didn't want a place in the country I loved. That the country I loved was full of people who didn't know what true love was. Such a distorted place, the only way for me to return was upon my father's death.

I let out a heavy breath as I rolled to my side. Dark locks tickled my face, it still threw me off, it still reminded me of my scorched pride. I still felt empty, stuck in indecision, purposeless, comfortably numb. My thoughts trailed back to my obsession, our history. How he saved me, when he had every right to kill me. The time in the beginning when I still loathed him, and vehemently denied I could ever grow to love anyone but myself, not that I truly loved myself. My stomach flipped as I remember waking to his voice. It was so soft, I had never heard a voice so gentle directed at me. At first, I thought I might have been dreaming, maybe my mother was speaking to me, or my uncle. I felt shock, perhaps panic when I realized the kind words were from my enemy. I remembered what had just happened, the rescue, the arrow, it all came flooding back. I recalled how I knew that he must have saved me from the wrath of Zhao, how else could I still be free? I remember feeling weak, and hating it. So, I responded in the only way that was familiar. I pounced, and he was gone and I was alone again.

I am always alone. Even Uncle Iroh cannot seem to touch this burning void in my chest. My flame waivers every day that I entertain my affection for my obsession.

I claw at my chest, my flame heating in shame, the weakness I felt inside, my entire body burned when I got like this. I only ever allowed myself to get this way when I was alone. It also only intensified when I ruminated about my obsession. Pulling the blanket closer around me, primarily for a sort of grounding security another thought floated into my mind.

The whole fiasco at the monastery in the earth kingdom, specifically when he realized I had the necklace of his beloved. My eyes slipped closed, my face contorting into a grimace as a hand found purchase in my hair. The realization that he could _never_ love me in the same way I might be falling for him. the realization that he already had his own obsession. It was painfully obvious by the way his grey eyes were so focused, intent on me, he knew I had her necklace. He had to, it was no longer in my possession after that fight. I curled up as my mind delved deeper into the fight. Previously he had tried to keep his distance from me, blowing me away with his wind, but here he supplemented me. Something had changed, it was like he might have understood me better. Probably because of how well we worked together when I rescued him as the blue spirit. Ah, it had felt quit intimate, almost like we were dancing, not that I had felt any of that at the time. Reflecting on it, my heart began to flutter. The intent in his eyes, I imagined how it would feel to have someone fight that way at my side. He danced perfectly in my blind spots, effectively staying out of my way. That was infuriating at the time.

I clenched my teeth together. ' _this isn't getting me anywhere!'_ I scolded internally. Where did I think that this was going to get me? When would I realize that no one would ever look at me that way. Especially no Aang. He had someone he loved. He had a place to belong. He was busy building his world when I was far too busy burning bridges. My family didn't want me. my country didn't want me. Every other place in the world hated fire. Aang hated fire. I had no place left to call my own. No _purpose,_ so then _what was the point of even existing!?_ A strangled cry escaped my lips without my consent as anguish had me writhing, curling in on myself. I felt like I was burning alive. The fire, the destroyer of all I had. I was beginning to thing even I hated me. I was beginning to think that I loathed love. That loving, especially in a world that didn't want you was a burden that no one could bear.

In the midst of my turmoil I hadn't realized that Uncle Iroh had entered. He must have heard my cry. I stilled once I realized he was there, my harsh wheezing the only noise in the room for a heavy minute. I spoke first, in my usual blunt way.

"What do you want?"

As usual, his energy was calm, and as usual it kept me calm. If I had one thing to be grateful for, when I was in a better place, I would need to remember to thank him for never giving up on me. My fire waned, my chest still smoldering, but pleasantly numb. After he sensed I had calmed a bit he approached where I lay. He sat with the grace that still amazed me from a man so portly. He spoke in his calm manner, diplomatic yet kind, as usual.

"I know you may be feeling confused, Zuko." I remained silent glaring at the wall. _'no shit.'_ My mind retorted silently.

"But I think whatever is giving you turmoil, maybe you ought to consider it." My eyes widened, my frown deepening. _'What?'_ he couldn't be serious, surely even he could see how loving the avatar could be a disaster for someone like me. Someone who didn't belong anywhere.

"Maybe the reason you obsess over him is because he is the place you are searching for." I couldn't imagine that could be true. I clenched my teeth sitting abruptly prepared to retort violently but My uncle just kept speaking, his eyes closed and face serene. "He may have the key to your honor. And that," his eyes slipped open and he pierced me with his intensely honest gaze, "may come in aiding him rather than capturing him."

I reeled from the implication, and I felt anger boil with despair. "That's not possible." I said shortly "get out of my room." I growled irately

There was a pregnant pause, and I hear him sigh, and he eventually spoke. "I only ask, that you consider my words Zuko, how will you know if you never try?" I felt my shoulders tense. How could he know that for me to entertain that idea was to go against all I had ever wanted, that if I did that it would be like death. I kept still, breathing shallowly as the numbness froze my chest stealing my breath. After another few beats of silence he rose bidding me a good night and wishing for a peaceful rest. I laid awake for hours after he left, my mind reeling, churning, spinning, tumbling, in constant circles. I was searching for a possibility in those words, but I found no answer, but finally, in the early morning I did manage to find rest. I had no dreams that night and daybreak came far too fast.

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Thank you for reading! Please leave a review, they are a writer's fuel!

~CGreyson


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